


Unseen Strength

by birds89birds



Series: OMGCP Cracktext Universe [6]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Found Family, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, Texting, Unexpectedly Buff! Bitty, april fool's, dipping granola bars in nutella is truly god's food, half the hits on this fic are from me editing, i swear to god one of my friend honestly microwaves his kraft dinner cups with milk, it gets a little rough in chapter 8, my heart hurts for one (1) jack zimmermann, the quebecois are weird, when the author starts to project
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:27:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23136157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birds89birds/pseuds/birds89birds
Summary: after the closet incident, bitty decides that since no one's gonna have his back, he'll have his ownaka:Unexpectedly Buff! Bitty AUa fic i'll be updating often whenever i finish at a good point, which might be multiple times a day or not for weeks. the updates will mainly be small. this is loosely planned.title may change i just wanted to get this out therethe original idea came from the unofficial check please discord so shoutout to the people there!
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz & Eric "Bitty" Bittle, Adam "Holster" Birkholtz & Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Adam "Holster" Birkholtz & Larissa "Lardo" Duan & Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Larissa "Lardo" Duan & Shitty Knight, Shitty Knight & Jack Zimmermann
Series: OMGCP Cracktext Universe [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659184
Comments: 28
Kudos: 89
Collections: OMGCP Hockey But Fashion Discord





	1. Ransom and Holster find out

**Author's Note:**

> i am horrible at writing fics but i have too many good-ass ideas not to
> 
> s u f f e r
> 
> also as far as i know they will always be texting bc i am Lazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is texts between ransom and holster on holster's phone by the way

**Best Fucking Bro**

>Ransom

>Holy shit

>Ransom

  
  


>what?

>So I was wrestling our tiny bro Bitty  
and suddenly he sighs and PICKS ME   
UP AND TOSSES ME LIKE A HOCKEY   
BAG

  
  


>what the fuck.

>we take this to the grave.

>Absolutely

>ok but what the fuck should we   
do about this.

>Nothing

>Don’t tell the boys though their reactions  
will be hilarious

>definitely.


	2. Shitty Finds Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god i crave death. shitty finds out and r+h and lardo discuss, johnson cameo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> McShitstain-shitty  
> wack-ass mf-johnson  
> gun holder-holster  
> bounty-ransom

**McShitstain**

>oh my god

>lards

>lards

>what

>i have just witnessed the best  
goddamn thing

>oh???

>so i walk into the Haus

>and i walk into the kitchen

>and i see bitty

>and he’s just HOLDING THE TABLE  
WHILE HE CLEANS UNDER IT

>that’s?? normal?

>NOT HOLDING UP THE TABLE

>HOLDING IT

>LIKE SO

>wow shits you really are the artist here

>also What The Actual Fuck

>but i knew this

>I KNOW RIGHT

>he told me not to tell anyone but fuck

>shit’s wild

>shit really is wild

>wait until jack sees this

~~**~~~~~~~~~** ~~

**Unsoft softies (and a chaperone)**

>you guys know about bitty

>his athletic prowess

_wack-ass mf_

>well I’m the fourth wall break I am   
supposed to know everything, so yes.

_gun holder_

>Oh my god yeah

_bounty_

>we found out when he threw holster in  
a wrestling match.

_gun holder_

>I am six foot four inches and 218   
pounds and he threw me like a   
fucking helmet

_bounty_

>i’d love to have seen that.

>shitty found out by walking in on him  
lifting the entire kitchen table to clean

>i noticed as soon as i walked in the   
Haus

_gun holder_

>How

_bounty_

>tell us your secrets almighty manager   
one

>well not exactly

>soon after i walked in

_bounty_

>still, how?????

>fucker nearly broke my hand shaking   
it he was so nervous

gun holder

>Well that’s boring

_bounty_

>he wouldn't actually be able to do  
that though.

>he’d have to apply pressure to a very  
specific spot.

>you get the point asshole

_gun holder_

>Yeah asshole

_bounty_

>fuck you.

_gun holder_

>No fuck you

>Fuck you both

**You** _left the conversation_

**bounty** _added_ **you** _to the conversation_

_gun holder_

>Fuck you in particular

>you can try

_bounty_

>ok but speaking of fucking

>jack “competency kink” zimmermann

_gun holder_

>he’s straight right

_bounty_

>remember complicated drink order   
annie's barista?

>dennis or something?

_gun holder_

>Oh yeah

>He was cool

>OH YEAH

>Bro’s definitely not straight lol

>maybe he thinks he is

>but he isn't

>and he has a type

_bounty_

>blonds shorter than him.

>skilled or better than him at   
something.

>yep.

_gun holder_

>Ok since I'm the econ major I'm in   
charge of the betting pool

_bounty_

>oh fuck off you declared last month.

_gun holder_

>Says Mr “I’m doing premed so I’m the   
authority on nutrition which i totally   
am not going to use to get more pie”   
who declared LAST WEEK

_wack-ass mf_

>I'm placing 100$ on Jack not realizing   
until his graduation after someone   
else talks to him and then him going   
off to kiss Bitty instead of actually   
talking about his feelings.

_bounty_

>oddly specific

_gun holder_

>that’s most likely not going to pay  
up well

_wack ass mf_

>this AU loosely follows the canon, the  
grad kiss will happen.

>anyways porcupine girl just updated  
that angel fic so i gotta go organize some  
documents.

>i want whatever he’s smoking

_bounty_

>don't we all

_gun holder_

>All philosophy majors are like that

>They grow shrooms in the professors’  
offices

>i saw shitty try to sneak into the  
philosophy lounge behind johnson  
and he was pretty good about it but  
johnson turned around and told him  
"the comic can't let you do that i'm  
the only one who is supposed to be  
able to do this please go" and he just  
kinda,,,,,, shoved shitty and went  
inside

>it was Ominous

_bounty_

>also hilarious.

_wack-ass mf_

>don't ever try to follow me into the   
Philosophy Lounge there are no drugs   
there's just books. Professor   
Schwarzkopf doesn't want   
anyone besides philosophy majors in   
there because without proper training   
breaking the fourth wall can break   
your mind.

_gun holder_

>You sound like an english major bro

_wack-ass mf_

>I’m not but the team will have one soon.

>anyways I really gotta go.

>well since the author can't be bothered to  
write the misunderstandings of trying to find  
out who knows what I guess I come in.

>if you know something and aren't sure  
if the others do just text me I know all of the  
events of this AU.

_gun holder_

>Ok

_bounty_

>??????

>goalies dude

>weirdest of the weird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!!!! i actually did this! yay me! you are all going to suffer by the way!
> 
> this is totally unplanned i'm just making it up as i go with a general plot in mind.


	3. Jack finds out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IT IS TIME FOR JACK TO FIND OUT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am incapable of not editing my fics weeks after i post them.
> 
> on shitty's phone  
> jizz-jack  
> pongmaster-lardo
> 
> on ransom's phone  
> So hockey, such manager-Lardo  
> deet-whore-holster

**Refined** **Upper Crust**

_Jackalope_

>Please don't tell me my contact is still  
Jizz.

>don't worry brah it wasn't

_Jizz_

>Thank fuck.

>Shits.

>Bittle threw me out of the kitchen.

>were you in his way?

_Jizz_

>Yes.

>then why wouldn't he

_Jizz_

>Haha yeah.

>But he threw me.

>he does that

_Jizz_

>Literally.

>He literally threw me.

_Pongmaster_

>he does that

_Jizz_

>He routinely lifts up 205 pounds and   
throws it?

_Pongmaster_

>he threw holster two weeks ago

_Jizz_

>Damn.

**Animal Crossing New Leaf is Still a Cultural Phenomenon a Year Later**

_So hockey, such manager_

>guys jack found out about bitty

_Deet-Whore_

>DEETS

_So hockey, such manager_

>he threw jack out of the kitchen

>shitty was being all “he does that”

>he was impressed that he could throw  
you holster

_Deet-Whore_

>I AM NOT THAT LARGE

>but you are large.

_Deet-Whore_

>We

>Are

>DMEN

>yeah so?

_Deet-Whore_

>WE ARE LARGE

_So hockey, such manager_

>you really are

>shut up.

_So hockey, such manager_

>god i wish i could see his face rn

>mine?

_So hockey, such manager_

>no jacks

>god i would pay money to see his  
thought process

>not experience it

>just see it

_Deet-Whore_

>Shit yeah

>anxiety is no joke.

_Deet-Whore_

>Ransom you are a grade B  
asshole

>You don't deserve grade A

_So hockey, such manager_

>o shit

>what the fuck did you do

>fuck you too.

_Deet-Whore_

>The man who was previously  
my favorite person on this planet  
tried to screw me with ESTHER  
SHARPIRO

>you guys hooked up last week!

_Deet-Whore_

>And you chirped me forever for it

_So hockey, such manager_

>i will never understand you

>me or holster?

_So hockey, such manager_

>both

_Deet-Whore_

>That’s fair

>ok but i bet MONEY that jack's only  
thought was "haha. nice." because  
WORDS ARE FOR CHUMPS  
apparently.

_So hockey, such manager_

>you're right and you should say it

_Deet-Whore_

>You're right but i'm still mad at you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry mothers and fuckers of the court this is a short one. also just noticed this fic exceeded 1k words. bow before my writing prowess.
> 
> the jizz nickname is a direct reference to ICarryDeathOnMyWings' fic "The Shittiest Nickname", which is affectionately known as "the jizz fic" on the unofficial discord. i'd totally recommend reading it!
> 
> i might not update for a bit bc i am too busy making myself check please-inspired hoodies in animal crossing new horizons, but i don't know this is a good wind-down


	4. Bitty appears!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bitty appears!!!! this is set around the time in year one where jack and bitty Don't Hate Each Other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the beginning might've been inspired by something i've seen/done. this might seem plotless but i'm just trying to move the plot forward!
> 
> since people are confused by nicknames:  
> buffy-bitty  
> ping-lardo  
> jackalope-jack  
> cheekbones-ransom  
> bolster-holster  
> shroom man-johnson

**Ashley Wagner Angry Face**

_Buffy_

>Shitty Knight you did NOT just dip a   
granola bar in nutella.

_Ping_

>oh my god an icon

>excuse me that is god's food

_Jackalope_

>Kinda ruins the point of having a granola  
bar eh.

_Buffy_

>Leave it to jack to only text large sentences  
when they’re about protein

>OK BITS THAT WAS AN ICONIC  
QUOTE

_Buffy_

>AND INJURIOUS TO MY PRIDE

_Jackalope_

>Haha.

_Cheekbones_

>what is this about?

_Bolster_

>One of the first things he said to Bitty  
was “eat more protein”

_Ping_

>an icon

>right???!!?

_Cheekbones_

>ok we can't have infighting between two  
herculean gods.

>though one clearly has a way better ass.

_Buffy_

>Oh lord you did not

_Cheekbones_

>FUCK.

_Bolster_

>No pie for you lol

_Jackalope_

>Can we stop with the comments on   
my ass?

>nope my beautiful bestest friend in  
the whole wide world who loves me  
dearly

>your ass is a wonder and should be  
treated as such

>but actually if you don't want us to  
because it feels like we’re sexualizing  
you or something of that vein we’ll  
stop

_Jackalope_

>Will you stop because it’s annoying?

>no can do assphrodite

_Jackalope_

>Please?

_Cheekbones_

>no.

_Ping_

>no

_Bolster_

>No

_Buffy_

>Please note that I try to discourage   
these hooligans.

_Jackalope_

>Thanks Bittle.

_shroom man_

>they won't ever stop, sorry Jack.

>the fangirls will be worse.

_Jackalope_

>Fuck, je vous écorcherai vif.

>Except you Bittle.

_Buffy_

>Why thank you captain.

>I feel so supported right now.

>Especially considering I have no idea  
what you said.

_Cheekbones_

>shit bro.

>i understood vif

>i hate to say this but use english when  
you're threatening us por favor

_Jackalope_

>No.

_Ping_

>entirely fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations:  
> "Fuck, je vous écorcherai vif."  
> "fuck, i will skin you all alive"


	5. End of Year One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in this AU bitty's concussion happens a little differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> contacts(on lardo's phone)  
> jack jack-jack  
> horrible being-holster  
> terrible being-ransom  
> stupid baby-shitty  
> concussed creecher-bitty

**Bitches (n, pl)**

_jack jack_

>What even is the name now?

>none of your goddamn business

_horrible being_

>what

_terrible being_

>why????

_stupid baby_

>do not question the manager

_jack jack_

>Haha. Ok.

>Is Bittle good?

_stupid baby_

>jack i love you but ASK HIM  
YOURSELF you fuckwad

_jack jack_

>He can't text?

_stupid baby_

>GO IN PERSON

>fyi he gets screens back next week

  
  


**the horndogs**

>i still don't quite get what happened

>why is jack so goddamn guilty?

_terrible being_

>he told bitty to hip check their d man   
bc he thought he was strong enough.

_horrible being_

>He was actually but Jack forgot to   
consider that Bitty was short and so   
the angle of the check was bad

_terrible being_

>bitty went flying and bang bang   
concussion.

>i’m sorry but bang bang concussion

_bang bang concussion_

>fuck off.

_stupid baby_

>but yeah sweet kind gorgeous   
assphrodite blames himself (which he   
didn't know so he really shouldn't)   
and bitty’s not mad and is a little   
(direct quote) “lord almighty that   
boy needs to calm down it’s OK” but yeah   
it’s worrisome. like i get that jack was   
an asswipe to bitty at first but they’re   
past that

>oh well anxiety’s an dick

_bang bang concussion_

>anxiety’s a dick.

>anxiety’s a dick

_horrible being_

>Anxiety’s a dick

_stupid baby_

>glad we could come to an agreement

**Bitches (n) (pl)**

_stupid baby_

>ngl this current name sucks

>EXCUSE ME

_horrible being_

>Shitty you idiot

_bang bang concussion_

>you done fucked up.

_stupid baby_

>if you take away my jack zimmermann   
cuddles by separating us for the   
roadie again you will throw off our   
game

>great idea

_jack jack_

>Haha.

>Don't.

>oh i will for this crime against my pride

_horrible being_

>She can't punish all of us

**bang bang concussion** _named the conversation “kegster hosting committee”_

_bang bang concussion_

>fixed.

_horrible being_

>I’m ashamed to call you a bro

>hmm

>tolerable

>you’re still on my shit list for  
questioning my authority

**horrible being** _named the conversation “vive la revolution”_

_stupid baby_

>HOLSTER NONE OF YOUR MUSICAL   
SHIT

_horrible being_

>IT’S FITTING

_bang bang concussion_

>that’s actually pretty good bro.

_horrible being_

>Bro

_bang bang concussion_

>bro….

>as your manager i have to ask you to  
go flirt elsewhere

_horrible being_

>If there were an eyeroll emoji I’d use it   
right now FUCKER

_jack jack_

>That’s wrong.

**jack jack** _named the conversation “Vive La Révolution”_

_jack jack_

>There.

_stupid baby_

>ok that’s pretty good

>way better than fucking “Bitch (n) (pl)”

_jack jack_

>Agreed.

_horrible being_

>Hard agree

_bang bang concussion_

>i didn't know we had an event why   
did you add something to the calendar?

_stupid baby_

>LARDO YOU BEAUTIFUL   
MOTHERFUCKER

_bang bang concussion_

>you did not just invite us to suck your   
dick at 3:07 am on sunday two weeks   
from now.

>why are you saying it like that

_bang bang concussion_

>bc holster can't get to google   
calendars rn.

_horrible person_

>Thanks bro

_stupid baby_

>let it be known i would gladly suck   
your dick

_jack jack_

>She did make an appointment for it.

_stupid baby_

>it’s official! i’m sucking your dick!

>i’ll be waiting

  
  


_ a week later  _

_concussed creecher_

>Why in the name of the lord himself   
do I have a google calendar invite that   
says "suck my dick" for a week from   
Sunday?

>I JUST LOOKED AT THE TIME

>Lardo I worry for you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lardo chirps ransom by changing his contact to bang bang concussion if that wasn't clear.
> 
> your compliments fuel me. or any comment really i need the attention for seratonin production purposes


	6. Kraft Dinners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the start of year two, what will happen?????
> 
> arguments over kraft dinner shamelessly stolen from arguments with my own friends

**MILK IN KRAFT DINNER**

_Holster_

>OK JACK

>WHAT THE FUCK MAN

_Jack_

>I don’t know what you are talking  
about.

_Holster_

>YOU MICROWAVE YOUR KRAFT   
DINNER CUP WITH MILK

>THAT’S WHAT

_Ransom_

>WHAT THE FUCK MAN.

>MY OWN CANADIAN BROTHER.

_Jack_

>You aren’t even Canadian you   
shouldn’t have an opinion.

_Ransom_

>YES HE SHOULD WHEN YOURS IS   
SO FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG.

_Jack_

>At least I put in milk.

_Holster_

>IT WASTES WATER NOT TO

>THINK OF THE TREES  
  


_Jack_

>Why do you think I don’t add water at   
all?

>Plus American milk is basically water.

_Holster_

>OH YOU DID NOT

_Ransom_

>holster normally i would be very   
ashamed to learn you don’t eat your   
kraft dinner the right way but at least   
it’s more right than how that monster   
does it.

>I just landed what in the deep-fried  
hell are y’all up to??

_Shitty_

>the canadians and the canadian-  
adjacent are having a civil war

_Lardo_

>ignore them

>This is the most I think I’ve ever seen   
Jack text.

_Shitty_

>jack talks about very little

>history, hockey and canada

_Lardo_

>kraft dinner is under the canada   
category

_Holster_

>BRO I DONT KNOW HOW YOU ARE  
NOT YELLING

_Jack_

>I don't know how to capitalize  
outside of what my phone does for  
me.

_Ransom_

>ok let’s stop.

>just process what jack has just said.

_Lardo_

>omg

_Shitty_

>JACK YOU BEAUTIFUL   
MOTHERFUCKER

>Oh my sweet lord I did not know you  
were that technologically inept.

>XD

_Jack_

>What does XD mean?

_Holster_

>Jack omg you didn't

_Ransom_

>jack zimmermann does not know how   
to turn on caps lock.

>Our illustrious captain, not only not  
knowing what XD means, which  
what does it LOOK LIKE, he also  
does not know how to capitalize  
outside of autocorrect. Truly, the  
epitome of leadership.

_Jack_

>Haha.

>Show me later?

>When I get to the Haus, yes.

_Shitty_

>JACK I LOVE YOU BUT GOD FUCKING  
DAMMIT BRAH

_Lardo_

>jack just has the dad spirit

>it’s just his energy


	7. Scrabble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holster and jack play scrabble and shit happens

**ALL HALLOW’S EVE BABYYYY**

>I KNOW HOW TO USE CAPS LOCK  
NOW

>HOLSTER

>BITCH

_Shitty_

>holy SHIT

_Holster_

>DONT YOU START "COLOR HAS A U"   
BULLSHIT SINCE WHEN YOU   
MONTREAL ASSLICKER

>SINCE MY ENTIRE TIME LEARNING   
YOUR STUPID FUCKING LANGUAGE

_Lardo_

>i’m getting the popcorn

_Shitty_

>brah

_Eric Bittle_

>That’s it no more scrabble.

**Eric Bittle** _named the conversation “Scrabble Ban”_

_Ransom_

>shit bro i am getting some nasty   
fucking vibes from holtzy all the way   
up here.

_Shitty_

>yo bitty do us all a favor and take jack   
out of The Haus before he gets   
kicked out of the NCAA for murder

_Eric Bittle_

>On it!

>UNHAND ME

_Lardo_

>jack not only lost his shit today he   
referenced a somewhat relevant meme  
this is a fucking show

_Holster_

>DONT YOU FUCKING TAKE HIM   
AWAY I JUST WANNA TALK

>YEAH MAN I JUST WANNA TALK TOO

_Eric Bittle_

>NO!

_Ransom_

>bros this is literally over scrabble

_Shitty_

>alrighty no more fighting

>Ok.

**Holster**

>FUCK YOU AND ALL YOU STAND FOR

>RIGHT BACK AT YOU

>SHITHEAD PIECE OF SHIT ASSHOLE I   
HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF BEING   
HAUSMATES WITH I HOPE YOUR   
MOTHER CHOKES AND DIES ON A   
CHICKEN BONE BUT NOT ACTUALLY   
BECAUSE SHE IS AMAZING BUT SHE   
PROBABLY CRIES ABOUT THE   
MONSTER HER SON HAS BECOME

“Hey Bittle?”

“Yes Jack?”

“How do you block someone?”

“Oh sweetheart let me show you.”

“You can also put me down now.”

“Oh lord! I forgot I was carrying you, sorry!”

“It’s fine Bittle.”

**Scrabble Ban**

_Eric Bittle_

>Considering you went to text him one   
on one just to curse him out I don't   
see why he wouldn't.

_Shitty_

>love you jack

_Lardo_

>an icon

_Ransom_

>bro that’s so wild.

>bitty probably helped

_Eric Bittle_

>I did.

_Shitty_

>ok i think it's time to bring jack back   
to the haus bitty can moderate and   
make sure they don't rip each other's   
dicks out

>i'll be there too

_Shitty_

>because they’re easy to rip out

_Eric Bittle_

>Gotta agree with Holster.

>I am not your hired muscle.

_Shitty_

>i’m not saying you are i am just taking   
advantage of the resources we have

_Eric Bittle_

>Oh so now i’m a resource

>Jack says he has a class

_Shitty_

>omg

>omg

>someone almost the police

>thought that someone was gonna get   
hurt

>nope, just our captain and one of our   
first string dmen getting heated over   
fucking scrabble

>like their feelings are valid but at the   
same time it's literally fucking scrabble

>i just talked to them

_Lardo_

>omg i’m dying

_Shitty_

>alright you two terrier dogs after your   
classes you are going to meet me   
here with bitty and then you're gonna   
talk it out

>Ok.

_Shitty_

>see you then!

**Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease

Someone called the cops because Jack and Holster got so heated playing a board game the neighbors worried.

_Twitter from iPhone_

**Eric Bittle** @omgcheckplease

No more scrabble in this haus.

_Twitter from iPhone_


	8. Epikegster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epikegster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things aren't exactly the same, i changed it so it would be easier to show using this medium hopefully y'all don't mind.
> 
> these are all on bitty's phone. jack can't see holster's texts

**EPIKEGSTER!!!!!!**

_Holster_

>Me and Bitty have been making bets   
with people that Bitty can't pick   
people up, we've earned $102.38 so   
far and the number is only rising

_Ransom_

>nice brothers.

_Holster_

>We’re up to $122.38 we just fleeced

a LAX bro

_Shitty_

>i am so proud

>That was fun

_Ransom_

>KENT PARSON????????

_Shitty_

>ah shit bro

>can't get too rowdy

_Holster_

>KENT PARSON

_Lardo_

>should i or should i not challenge  
him to beer pong

_Holster_

>DO IT

_Ransom_

>DO IT.

**Shitty**

>Jack saw that Parson showed up now   
he looks really really bad uh can you   
come help?

>shit

>sure brah as long as you get someone   
to man the tub juice

>thanks for letting me know

>I’ll get Dex on it.

**Dex**

>Dex will you be a dear and man the   
tub juice? Shitty and I have something   
to deal with.

>sure thing man.

**Shitty**

>dex is here i’m coming

>They just went upstairs.

>probably don't want to listen in

>You may be right.

>i’m going to go in the reading room  
and we are staying on your side of the  
roof

>We?

>you’re coming too brah

**Shitty, Jack**

_Shitty_

>jackabelle my beautiful boy whom i   
love so dearly we will be out on the   
reading room if you need us

>we'll be on bitty's side so you have   
privacy but we are there

“BITTYYYYYY!!!”

“Oh lord you are drunk.

“You’re not sober yourself!”

“Brah I am getting some bad vibes from Kent Parson. I mean he’s my best friend’s ex best friend so there’s obviously going to be some shit going on but I don't think that shit’s normal.”

“I might have to agree. Jack looked like a leaf when I decided to come text you.”

“And I’m glad you did my beautiful specimen of a human being!”

“Yeah.”

_bzzt_

"Better check that Shitty."

“GODDAMMIT someone ralphed in my fucking room again.”

“Kenny--”

“I can kind of hear what Jack’s saying and i think he’s gonna need help soon.”

“Fuck. Don't step in yet brah but be on the fucking lookout.”

“--Zimms, just fucking stop thinking for once and listen to me. I’ll tell the GMs you’re on board and they can free up cap space. Then you can be _done_ with this shitty team. You and me.”

“Get out.”

“--Jack.”

“Yo Bits you good?”

“Yeah but I don't know about Jack”

“You can’t-- you don't come to my _fucking school unannounced_ ”

“BECAUSE YOU SHUT ME OUT!”

“ _\--And corner me in my room_ ”

“I’M TRYING TO HELP”

“ _AND EXPECT ME TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT_ ”

“ _FUCK--_ JACK!!! What do you want me to say? That I miss you? _I miss you, ok?_...I miss you.”

“...You always say that.”

“...Huh. Well shit. _Okay._ You know what Zimmermann? You think you’re too fucked up to care about? That you’re not good enough? Everyone already _knows_ what you are but there are people who still _care_.”

“ˢʰᵘᵗ ᵘᵖ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ⁻”

“You’re scared everyone else is going to find out you’re worthless, right?”

“Shitty.”

“What’s up?”

“It’s not good.”

“Like ‘Jack’s having a panic attack and Parson doesn't know how to deal with it?’ bad or ‘Kent Parson is a douchecanoe and we never knew it’ bad.”

“Um. The second one.”

“SHIT ASS MOTHERFUCKER OK LET’S FUCKING GO BITS YOU CAN TAKE ‘EM THE BYLAWS NEED TO BE UPDATED FUCKING DONKEY FACED SON OF A DOUCHE FUCKING ASSHOLE MOTHERFUCKER”

“...ᴳ⁻ᴳᵉᵗ ᵒᵘᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ʳᵒᵒᵐ”

“Fine. Shut me out again.”

“ᴬⁿᵈ ˢᵗᵃʸ⁻... ˢᵗᵃʸ ᵃʷᵃʸ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵐʸ ᵗᵉᵃᵐ.”

“Why? Afraid I’ll tell them something?”

“ᴸᵉᵃᵛᵉ ᴾᵃʳˢᵉ.”

**Jack, Shitty**

_Jack_

>help

_Shitty_

>we’re coming who do you want

_Jack_

>both

>help

>We’re coming.

“He’s against the door we can't get in there.”

“Open the fucking window brah.”

“It’s locked.”

“Force it open.”

“That’ll break it.”

“Does it fucking matter?”

“You have a point Mr Knight.”

“Jack. Jackie. Jackabelle. It’s ok.”

“ᴴᵒʷ ᵐᵘᶜʰ... ᵈ⁻ᵈᶦᵈ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵉᵃʳ.”

“Enough.”

“He heard enough to know that Kent Parson is not welcome in this Haus again. Yo Jay-Z you want to be touched by me?”

“ʸᵉˢ.”

“Hug?”

“ʸᵉˢ.”

“Here you go brah I got you. Do you want Bitty to touch you?”

“ʸᵉˢ.”

“Oh lord let me get over there it’s ok Jack it’s ok.”

“ᵀʰᵃⁿᵏˢ ˢʰᶦᵗˢ, ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏˢ ᴮᶦᵗᵗˡᵉ.”

“Got your motherfucking back.”

**BYLAW UPDATE BYLAW UPDATE**

_Shitty_

>on this momentous day of our   
glorious college career, Epikegster   
2014, we in samwell men's hockey are   
displeased to announce an new bylaw

_Holster_

>Oh shit

_Ransom_

>displeased?

>Very much so.

_Lardo_

>i have my clipboard

_Shitty_

>Hereby on this date, bylaw   
amendment 6 has been added to the   
bylaw list.

>the sixth bylaw amendment states   
"Kent V. Parson, as of the day this was   
written, December 2014, captain of   
the Las Vegas Aces, is forbidden to   
set foot in Samwell Men's Hockey   
Territory unless otherwise specified   
by the current captain, that includes,   
but is not limited to, the Haus and   
Faber. Discussion of this bylaw   
outside of Samwell Men's Hockey   
members and managers, current and   
former, is also forbidden."

_Holster_

>I don't know what he did but he   
clearly did something, he's on our   
shitlist now.

_Ransom_

>yeah.

_Jack_

>I don't think I can see Holster’s texts

_Lardo_

>oh shit is your phone not liking holster’s  
american number

_Jack_

>Maybe.

_Shitty_

>we can deal with that later

_Dex_

>is it ok to ask why?

**Shitty, Jack**

_Shitty_

>how much can we say

>i will be the one discussing this bylaw   
bee tee dubs, as far as everyone else   
is concerned you two are not   
involved

_Jack_

>Ok.

>You did not just write out "bee tee   
dubs"

_Shitty_

>oh yes i did

>I'd mention something about the fact   
he called us a shitty team?

_Shitty_

>THE MOTHERFUCKER

>I HOPE I’M A BETTER BEST FRIEND   
THAN THAT AND IF I AM NOT CALL   
ME THE FUCK OUT BRAH

_Jack_

>You’re way better

>Also yes. That.

_Shitty_

>THANK FUCK

>can i mention he “harassed our captain”

_Jack_

>Yes.

**BYLAW UPDATE BYLAW UPDATE**

_Shitty_

>well my lovely little macgyver the   
asshole called us a shitty team and   
harassed our illustrious captain with   
the ass of a god and a heart of gold,   
as well as many heinous things

_Ransom_

>fuck him.

_Holster_

>Jack I know you guys were best   
friends at one point but really, fuck   
him

_Lardo_

>fuck him

>Amen to that.

_Lardo_

>bits you’re so fucking southern it’s  
great

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically Shitty knows Parson pulled shit, but doesn't know exactly what he said, he's taking Bitty's word for it. Bitty was close enough to Jack's room on the roof that he could hear the conversation. Jack was against the door having a panic attack which is why they had to break the window's frame to get in.


	9. Middle Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> discussions of southern weirdness, also an issue has been discovered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is from the POV of jack

**Brah Southerners Tho**

_Shitty_

>bitty

>bittle

>bits

_Bittle_

>Yes?

_Shitty_

>a little birdie told me you only used   
your first name for Very Official Shit   
and when your mom was Very Angry

_Bittle_

>Yes??

_Shitty_

>which is why, when you were a frog   
and people called you by your first   
name, you looked like you were   
shitting bricks

_Bittle_

>Look when you only heard a name  
when your hide was about to be tanned  
you too would be a little scared to  
hear it!

>Haha.

_Bittle_

>Don't you laugh at me Mr   
Zimmermann!

>That name is traumatic! >:(

_Ransom_

>yeah lmaoooooo.

_Lardo_

>imagine shits going by his middle   
name

_Ransom_

>what even IS his middle name?

>wait DOES he know?

_Lardo_

>i actually don't know

>yo jack you know?

>Nah.

_Shitty_

>you’re absolutely right!

>southerners are hilarious

_Bittle_

>I’m coming for you! 

>( ￣＾￣)

_Lardo_

>lmao

_Ransom_

>lmao get him bits.

_Bittle_

>Oh you know I will!

_Lardo_

>shitty Fears for His Life

>Haha.

_Bittle_

>As he should.

_Lardo_

>ok like i get you guys are on the same   
wavelength but damn it's so fucking   
weird seeing holster say eh

>Wait.

>When was the last time Holster texted   
the group chat?

>I haven't seen his texts in a while.

_Ransom_

>yeah i think so.

>he just texted right before me.

>Oh.

>I can’t see his texts.

_Shitty_

>looks like we have an issue in our   
hands lardo and “gentlemen”

_Lardo_

>lmao

_Ransom_

>we do respect women and minorities.

_Lardo_

>hmm. yes you are gentlemen

_Shitty_

>i cant find anything

>we’ll deal with it later when we’re not  
high

>Shits come on man.

>It’s not legal.

_Shitty_

>THEY CANT ARREST US ALL

_Lardo_

>woo

_Ransom_

>woo!

_Bittle_

>I can’t with y’all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in my experience southerners (myself included) go by our middle names. if i'm wrong tell me, i haven't lived in the south in a while. also!!!! jack????? can't see holster's texts??????????? oh no!!!


	10. April Fool's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> april fools happens, the Gang is being stupid, nothing new

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From Holster's phone  
> Bitty Bits-Bitty  
> Ransy-Ransom  
> Mustache-Shitty  
> Gremlin-Lardo  
> Boring-Jack

**Sloof Lirpa**

_Bitty Bits_

>Adam Birkholtz why do I see a certain   
6'4 blond guy in the middle of the   
flash mob at the lake quad?

_Ransy_

>no reason.

>ignore him.

_Mustache_

>brah my weed smells off

_Gremlin_

>ᵒᶠᶠ

_Boring_

>Oh no Shits, whatever will you do?

_Mustache_

>brah

_Gremlin_

>ᵇʳᵃʰ

_Boring_

>Yes?

_Mustache_

>this isn't weed

_Gremlin_

>ʷᵉᵉᵈ

_Shitty_

>JACK MY BOY

_Gremlin_

>ᵐʸ ᵇᵒʸ

_Shitty_

>HOW COULD YOU DO THIS

_Gremlin_

>ᵈᵒ ᵗʰᶦˢ

_Boring_

>What makes you think it was me?

>I am a well-respected NCAA captain.

>Why would I pull a prank like that?

_Mustache_

>because you are the only person   
besides lardo who knows where my   
stash is and lardo understands the   
importance of BROS NOT STASHING   
SHITTY WEED WHERE THEIR BROS   
STASH THE GOOD KUSH

_Gremlin_

>ᵍᵒᵒᵈ ᵏᵘˢʰ

_Boring_

>Shits.

>You’re sloshed.

>It’s not weed.

_Mustache_

>you better not have gotten rid of it   
you absolute motherfucker i will   
rescind cuddles for a WEEK if i found   
out you got rid of it

>wait what

_Gremlin_

>ʷʰᵃᵗ

_Bitty Bits_

>JACK LAURENT ZIMMERMANN!

>WHY HAS MY OREGANO MOVED?

_Boring_

>No reason.

_Ransy_

>Oh my god.

_Mustache_

>BRAH HOW COULD YOU

_Gremlin_

>ʸᵒᵘ

_Mustache_

>OREGANO

_Gremlin_

>ᵒʳᵉᵍᵃⁿᵒ

_Boring_

>It’s april fools.

_Mustache_

>APRIL FOOLS???

>YOU CALL THIS APRIL FOOLS

_Gremlin_

>ᵃᵖʳᶦˡ ᶠᵒᵒˡˢ

_Mustache_

>THIS IS JUST BULLYING

_Gremlin_

>ᵇᵘˡˡʸᶦⁿᵍ

_Boring_

>Haha.

>Do you hear the people sing

_Ransy_

>singing the song of angry men.

_Mustache_

>it is the music of a people who will not   
be slaves again

_Gremlin_

>ᵃᵍᵃᶦⁿ

_Boring_

>What?

>Did Holster say something?

_Bitty Bits_

>We're going to have to figure out how   
to fix your phone.

>He said “Do you hear the people sing”

_Boring_

>What?

>Bro you literally speak French

_Ransy_

>holster says "Bro you literally speak   
French"

_Boring_

>Oh.

>Is that a Les Misérebles référence?

>Référence

>Fuck.

>How do I turn off automatic  
accents?

_Mustache_

>JAQUES YOU GORGEOUS   
SPECIMEN

_Gremlin_

>ˢᵖᵉᶜᶦᵐᵉⁿ

_Bitty Bits_

>Oh lord let me help.

_Boring_

>Is it because my phone is in French?

>Omg Jack

_Ransy_

>lmao.

_Mustache_

>jack i get you're an old man but do   
you really have to remind us of that   
fact constantly?

_Gremlin_

>ᶜᵒⁿˢᵗᵃⁿᵗˡʸ

  
  


_Boring_

>Fuck off.

>Jack said the fuck word

_Ransy_

>oh no jack said the fuck word!

_Mustache_

>jack you breathtaking motherfucker

_Gremlin_

>ᵐᵒᵗʰᵉʳᶠᵘᶜᵏᵉʳ

_Boring_

>I swear all the time.

_Mustache_

>i’m just reminding you that i love you

_Gremlin_

>ʸᵒᵘ

_Bitty Bits_

>Give him a break y’all!

>Y’all

_Ransy_

>y’all.

_Mustache_

>y’all

_Gremlin_

>ʸ'ᵃˡˡ

_Boring_

>Y’all.

_Bitty Bits_

>Nevermind. Make him suffer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just crack i've been wanting to do for a while. honestly idk what i'm doing rn lmao
> 
> lardo's mimicking tommy from animal crossing. me and my best friend did this during april fools and it was hilarious (at least to me)


	11. Class of 2015 Graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's Graduation, with the usual canon, but also some alternate universe, as a treat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this will showcase a little bit more of the alternate part of the alternate universe.
> 
> also i don't have the chirpbook so i have no idea what jack says canonically at this point.
> 
> ALSO I UPDATED SOME FORMATTING STUFF SO IF YOU WANT TO ADMIRE MY WRITING PROWRESS THERE YOU GO.

**Jack**

>Uh.

>Now what was that for?

>Wait you didn't give me your consent  
oh god I am so sorry that was so rude  
of me I should've asked I'm so sorry  
that was unforgivable of me. I  
probably made you very  
uncomfortable I am so sorry.

>In a normal situation you probably  
should've asked.

>Please just calm down. It’s ok.

>But I don’t mind!

>Thank fuck.

>I’ve liked you for ages lord almighty.

>Then I should've done that earlier.

>But aren’t you straight?

>Haha.

>No.

>Wow. Ok.

>What does Shitty say about  
stereotyping, Bittle?

>Sorry!

>Also I didn't know you spoke  
another language.

>What was it?

>Russian.

>Haha. Russian?

>Why?

>My figure skating coach taught me  
some and there were some Russian  
men at the gym where I went to work  
out, they kind of took me in and they  
taught me Russian.

>Wow.

>Why hasn't this ever come up before?

>It's a bit weird to say "oh yeah I speak  
Russian pretty well because a bunch of  
Russian guys decided to basically  
adopt me because I spoke a little bit  
of Russian and I was a 13 year-old at  
the gym alone" don't you think?

>Haha.

>Yeah.

>I think it’d be kinda funny if it wasn't sad.

>If you want to chirp me for it on the  
group chat be my guest.

>Giving me permission to chirp?

>Who are you and what did you do with  
Bittle?

>Chirp chirp.

>I’m just in shock a little bit.

>I’m sorry about that.

  
  


>It’s ok!

>Are we going to mention this to the  
team?

>I’m sorry but we probably can't.

>Me in the NHL and all.

>You don't have to do this.

>That’s a good point.

>No need to be sorry it is what it is.

>Mister Zimmermann if you think I will  
pass up this lovely opportunity you  
are DEAD WRONG.

>Ok. Good.

>Because I like you.

>A lot.

>Lord are we in middle school?

>Uh.

>I’m just chirping.

>I like you too.

  
  


**Jack Zimmermann, Providence Falconer**

_Jack_

>Bittle can speak Russian.

>Ах, отвали!

_Shitty_

>BITTY YOU LITTLE FUCKER

>HOW COULD YOU HOLD BACK ON  
US?????

>*gestures towards this*

>Why do you think?

_Holster_

>Yoooooooo

>Bitsssssss

_Ransom_

>nice!

>I don't see why y’all are so excited  
about this.

_Lardo_

>honestly

>the memes

_Shitty_

>lardo you have no faith in us

>the venture of learning languages is a  
noble one and we are just proud of  
bitty for partaking in it

_Holster_

>Yo Bits can you sing the USSR anthem

_Shitty_

>holster you are not helping our case

_Jack_

>What did Holster say?

_Ransom_

>“Yo Bits can you sing the USSR anthem”

>but also can you?

>I can probably learn it.

_Holster_

>SICK

_Ransom_

>DUDE.

_Lardo_

>fucking nice

_Shitty_

>ATTABOY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I don't have a concrete plan for this fic I am probably going to update when i have no other planned out fics, so don't expect consistent updates from me :(
> 
> also bitty's saying something along the lines of "oh fuck off"
> 
> Idk if this will be mentioned in this fic but there is a real reason for why bitty is so buff and it's kinda sad and totally not the author projecting some of his own issues.


End file.
